Why is this important? This is only the single-most important issue of Monday, December 2nd, 2013. Everybody knows Abby is the right woman for the…
It is with a heavy heart that I write this - Rita Ora has been cast a Mia Grey - Christian’s “raven haired, tall, and curvaceous” sister. I don’t know much about Rita other than the fact that she had a small cameo in FAST 6 and that she cheated on Rob Kardashian with Jonah Hill, but I do know this - she is NOT the right woman for the role. The only artist fit to play the volatile Mia is Miss Abby Lee Miller, star of DANCE MOMS. Anyone who has read my blog, so like maybe 100 people, know how strongly I feel about this. Here are a few links that show my fiery devotion to having Miss Miller play the role:
If you said 50 SHADES OF GREY, I’m impressed, because it sure as shit doesn’t look like that to me. Marc New York is channeling 50SOG for their fall campaign- their first picture is seen above. Please, mistake me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t remember this scene from the book, as it clearly looks like they are in some sort of a underground bunker.
Here are a few other pieces of 50 Shades Merchandise that I hope goes into production ASAP.
Tampons - Remember that time that Christian yanks out Anastasia’s bloody tampon so he can fuck her for the zillion time? Oh, you were trying to repress that horrible moment? Well now you and your significant other can re-enact it.
Cookware - Anastasia may not like to eat, but boy can she cook! Whether it be Spanish omelets or chicken stir fry, Anastasia slays it in the kitchen so let’s buy some pots and pans with a logo cheaply plastered on them. Appetite not included! (Get it? Because Anastasia doesn’t eat.)
Enema- Listen, we all know Anastasia has the cleanest anus on the block (because remember that time when Christian put a butt plug up there and then Anastasia found out after that he usually had his maid clean all the used butt plugs of his subs so Anastasia decides to clean her own and she remarks at how clean her used butt plug is. Remember how that was written about in a book that we paid money to buy? Anyway, before I have a rage blackout, 50 Shades Enemas.
Don’t know if you’ve heard, but in a brilliant ploy to make more money than anyone in the world, E.L. James and her marketing team have decided to create products based on her best-selling series. According to the LA Times blog, “The merchandise will include apparel, stationery items, hosiery, lingerie and accessories. Expect to see “Christian Grey” boxers and ties as well as lounge wear, sleepwear and T-shirts; the accessories would comprise bags, wallets, portfolios, key chains and underwear (for men and women). Stationery items will include journals and diaries.”
Whoever thought of this deserves a raise. And then deserves to be shot by a firing squad. But a raise first! The items listed above are to be expected, but I have a few more suggestions:
Orange Juice- If there is one thing in the world Anastasia loves to ingest (other than Christian Grey’s peen) it’s orange juice! This is a no-brainer.
Sex Toys- This should really go without saying…
Lube- Don’t you wish you could be as constantly wet as literature’s most abhorrent heroine? Now you can.
Cell-Phone / Beeper / Leash- Nothing is sexier than having a mildly psychotic boyfriend who alienates all your friends and makes sure you are completely codependent. But what happens when he can’t track you down? With the cell-phone, beeper and leash combo, he’ll never have to worry.
White Wine- A nice Sancerre perhaps? It is, after all, Christian’s favorite varietal. #nohomo
“And there’s Leila—with a gun, potentially, somewhere—and her crap taste in music still on his iPod. But even worse, Mrs. Paedo Robinson, I cannot wrap my head around her, and I don’t want to.”—
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 90.
ok there are two glaring problems with the above passage:
1. anastasia feels that mrs. robinson, the old bitch christian used to bone, is a bigger threat than leila, his ex-sub, WHO HAS A GUN.
2. anastasia throws out that leila has crap taste in music after she mentions leila HAS A GUN. the sentence should have been : And there’s leila- with her crap taste in music on his ipod- WHO HAS A FUCKING GUN AND WANTS TO KILL ME. AHHH! I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! I BETTER TAKE THESE BUTT PLUGS OUT! The End.
“You have no idea how attractive you are, do you?”
I flush. Why’s he going on about this?
“All those boys pursuing you—that isn’t enough of a clue?”
“Boys? What boys?”
“You want the list?” Christian frowns. “The photographer, he’s crazy about you, that boy in the hardware store, your roommate’s older brother. Your boss,” he adds bitterly.”—
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 88.
damn! jose? that boy from the hardware store? you’re a regular megan fox!
“Anastasia, do you have any idea how much money I make?”
I flush, of course not. “Why should I? I don’t need to know the bottom line of your bank account, Christian.”
His eyes soften. “I know. That’s one of the things I love about you.”
I gaze at him, shocked. Love about me?
“Anastasia, I earn roughly one hundred thousand dollars an hour.”—
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 78.
oh yeah? well i earn roughly four dollars and twenty eight cents an hour so go fuck yourself. BEFORE TAXES.
“She managed to obtain a concealed weapons permit yesterday.”
Oh shit. I gaze at him, blinking, and feel the blood draining from my face as I absorb this news. I may faint. Suppose she wants to kill him? No.
“That means she can just buy a gun,” I whisper.”—
“People bustle past us, lost in their Saturday morning chores. No doubt contemplating their own personal dramas. I wonder if they include stalker ex-submissives, stunning ex-Dommes, and a man who has no concept of privacy under United States law.”—
“He sighs in defeat. “She made a haphazard attempt to open a vein.”
“Oh no!” That explains the bandage on her wrist.
“Gail got her to hospital. But Leila discharged herself before I could get there.”
Crap. What does this mean? Suicidal?”—
“And just as I am getting used to the sensation, he sits up again and trails a spoonful of ice cream down the center of my body, across my stomach, and into my navel where he deposits a large dollop of ice cream.”—
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 55.
this is just ridiculous. like, who would want to do this? ice cream is so good.
“Taking another spoonful, he offers me more. This time I keep my mouth shut and shake my head, and he lets it slowly melt on the spoon so that the melted ice cream drips, onto my throat, onto my chest. He dips down and very slowly licks it off. My body lights up with longing.”—
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 54.
i’m upset that they are wasting all this ice cream. like, can’t they just eat the ice cream and then fuck?
“Good. Where’s the ice cream?”
“In the oven.” I smile sweetly at him.
He cocks his head to one side, sighs, and shakes his head at me. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele.” His eyes glitter.”—
Blood Play And Other Important Lessons: My Experience at The 50 Shades of Pleasure Workshop
So, last night I went to The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood to attend their “50 Shades of Pleasure” workshop. I thought I would be able to stand in the back and giggle and live tweet throughout but I was wrong. The workshop was taught by Mary, a very cool and knowledgeable woman who told us right off the bat that she worked as a dominatrix for ten years, so I promptly put my phone away.
The audience was…interesting? There were a lot of middle-aged couples which I guess wasn’t that surprising. The couple in front of us were basically jerking each other off the whole time. There was a strange European man sitting behind us furiously rubbing his companion’s leg who asked how a female orgasm worked. He also had a John Waters mustache. There were quite a few women alone- that’s fine. But the highlight had to be two elderly men sitting off to the side. I’m not well versed in old gay men, but I would bet even money these two were straight. They looked like your grandpa if your grandpa was a trucker- beat up t-shirts, athletic pants hiked up to their nipples, you know the deal. I don’t know why they were there but God Bless America.
I won’t get into the whole seminar as it was two hours long but it was informative. Mary, the instructor who was clearly knowledgeable about all things BDSM, voiced some problems she had with the book including Anastasia’s endless stream of orgasms, her constant “wetness”, the fact that people who like s&m are deemed as damaged and, my favorite, the horrible writing.
The highlight of the workshop was the list of hard limits and soft limits (just like the book) placed on all our seats. The Pleasure Chest listed a shit ton of… things you can do during sex (I would call them fetishes but as you’ll see many of them aren’t). Here are some of the highlights which I have categorized:
THINGS ONE THINKS OF AS A GIVEN DURING SEX BUT MAYBE NO FOR SOME PEOPLE?:
sucking on nipples
nibbling ears and neck
cuddling (if cuddling is a hard limit for you- do us all a favor and just leave)
And THINGS ONE (me) WOULDN’T DO OR DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED
ball stretching (what is this?)
consensual humiliation (what is this?)
cyber sex (is this still a thing?)
golden showers (nope)
medical play (I don’t want to know)
tribadism (this is just a fancy word for scissoring)
Okay, so now three funny anecdotes:
Mary was talking about how BSDM is a nice thing and thinks it should be at the same end of the spectrum as love-making. According to Mary the other end of the spectrum is rape. Then she started talking about fantasy rape and one half of the middle aged couple in front of us (the man) laughed A LITTLE TOO LOUD. Yikes.
Mary was talking about things you can use other than rope to tie people up and she got on the topic of pantyhose. Mary then said, “pantyhose makes a really great gag,” and went on this long story about buying pantyhose and wearing it out and in my head I was like, “ok but when does the prank come in?” Turns out she was talking about the kind of gag you stick in your (her) boyfriend’s mouth. I was disappointed that didn’t end in funny gag when someone gets covered in Nickelodeon slime or punk’d or something (my roommate, who accompanied me, also thought she was referring to a gag as a prank- we’re white girls).
Mary said that the BSDM community has the acronym “SSC” which stands for Safe, Sane, Consensual. Apparently it’s an older saying that has been replaced by “RACK,” meaning Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. According to Mary, RACK is what the cool young kids use, because sometimes you don’t want to be safe and you want to do BLOOD PLAY. That’s right…BLOOD PLAY. I don’t know if you guys have heard of this thing called AIDS, but it’s a thing, and you might want to look into it and stop playing in each other’s blood.